Life

Such a big word. One of my goals in 2o11 is to make my relationships relevant and actually let people in my life. I have always had friends and family that loved me. But one of my friends once told me that I never let anybody get close enough to really know me and make myself vulnerable enough to really let people see who I am. I had another friend tell me that I was afraid of men. I don’t think that I was hurt by those statements. Just taken back because they are true. I saw how my parents were growing up and I guess I have put up a wall that wont let anybody get close enough for me to disappoint them. I am scared that if I actually do let someone in close enough to see the true me they will run away. Then I think about the very first boy who told me he loved me. We had a crush on each other at summer camp. We sent letters to each other in the mail for the next few months.  Yea, like snail mail. Then we went to the Feast of Tabernacle together and we hung out all week. Had fun the whole week loved the gifts I received from him, a bracelet and a Dr. Pepper. But the last day of the feast, he sat with my family. He gave me a letter and a giga pet. I can’t tell you what the contents of the letter where but I do remember one thing that was at the bottom of the letter. He wrote in red letters, “I love you.” When I read that phrase, I freaked out. I threw the letter away before I even left the auditorium. When we got home I sent him a letter in the mail and told him I already had a boyfriend( which was not true). I threw all his letters away and never heard from him again. All this to say, I have no idea why I reacted the way I did and I would like to find that out. I want to know why I react the way I do and how I can really understand the walls I have put up and how I can take them down.